My side .. … ….

God knows best ! God’s destniy ! In god’s hands ! Nothing to
something, all possable with god on my side and the love of a mother
bro and Sis! life feels good I’m ever so up and ready for this fight
that’s had me up on the ropes for sometime now !! 11:36pm

New way of thinkin .. … ….

Destiny turns nothing into something !

Destiny to turn nothing to something !

Sign of a baby !

O god make me a man I’m filled with loneliness sadness anger I feel
lost in life crying I wish I could. no one but you and those closes to
me knows the pain. people see the strenght and know not the life of
pain. is this path one of hardship I’m so battered my strenght low
weak in all my seance’s!! is this not a sign of a baby and not one of a
man ! O god make me a man !! amen .

Need A Pass

Soon to be back in the fight for life gifts, with one with the power of
knowing what the outcome will or could be , so I ask bless me with a
path of understanding children of urs too see, hear and allow me passage
thro .

Need A Pass

Soon to be back in the fight for life gifts, with one with the power of
knowing what the outcome will or could be , so I ask bless me with a
path of understanding children of urs too see, hear and allow me passage
thro .

What an ass !!

Life on the ass in my eyes will be a drag everyday at some point and
ay I’m not talking about the fact ur on ur ass and ain’t never going
to walk again but the fact ever u will be dragging it back in to it’s
place being a chair and yes it go’s from the toilet or some sort of
in my case at hand it’s chair bed bed chair chair toilet toilet
chair it’s still all ass well life on the ass and a drag on one lol

Tell me then !

In bed bi papped up ! It feels near too death with theses heavy
fucking laybered breaths fighting me to stop . So what do you really
no !! .about the fight ,pain , the reality, it’s a struggle !!so” fuck
what you think it’s about what you know “this life of none stop
keeping up with the Jones’s with no way out of this mad reality , so
what do you really know about the fight the pain the reality it’s a
struggle , I’ll tell you!! “ ” is what it is.

Recall

I just want to write, I’m one step closer to death with each closing
night !! Life passing quick so quick like dirty chicks draws getting
pulled to one side ! So fast it’s moving new faces come and pass each
day only to leave new paths for recall !

My sack

Everyday every night feels like stones on my back in the rucksack of
baggage of life I’ve been dealt a sack that only seems to get fuller
by the day , pushing me to my limits!!

Weak vs me !

The bed legs, led swollen and weak ! Yea these fucking Arms heavy so
fast to tier !to they Fight me all way, pulling my feed away like
spiteful helpers in the wrong job !

Hypocrite wants help !

All I wanted to do was be there for you but love is a game to you. I need a change something fresh, clean new please. I’m sorry almighty for I know I’ve been a hypocrite ! When all you ask of me, Is what I search for but yet can’t show you the same. I’m not the same ! When I treat your love so loosely, I am a hypocrite . Forgive o farther I love you. I know the man I am and want to be . And this is not who I want to be !! Take me by the hand and lead me for I’m lost in the here and now !!.

Weakness

How can I cope when this feeling of deep sadness consumes my every feeling that’s to surface!! I’m so sad so down so weak in sprit tho the people who love me seem to find strength help me o mighty pls!!

Don’t want this

I no I die alone but when I wake and open my eyes all see four falls ,this isn’t heaven all I want is life…

Cozy lol

I’m cozy, cozy in bed, warm from the heat of love, I’m cozy, cozy in bed !! Fading thoughts of hurt!, begin to fade!! , I’m cozy, cozy in bed !!now New goals in place this year begin to be seen in thought!!, so I’m cozy, cozy in bed !!

Lonely prays

It’s been two or more days I’ve not left my bed . I feel weaker in my arms . She spent the night with her boyfriend last night for the frost time , I feel depressed and low in mood ,
 
No2 I no it’s because of her moving on and putting on her facebook a picture of the guy she said she’s in love with !!
 
I feel inadequate I feel like I will never find someone who I like and could love and feels the same way about me !!
 
O god almighty please hear my cry inside!!!.
 
Please send me someone whole to love and cherish I no not, what’s in plan for me. forgive me for all the sins I no of!! make me a better man ! Look after my mum I no she’s sinned in the pass a at times but she has a heart that will do good for any ! Send a angel to look over her and my brother and sister for they have good harts amen

 

If you think I’m lonely now wait until I’ve risked change!!. As We all know what comes of that, it leaves room for miracles of the unknown ! Well god almighty in my minds eye !! It’s only trust , what ever way you look! So there’s know point looking back in fear! Life stops for no-one !! Trust in yourself !

Even better

Love and happiness is one that feels so good at times. It Leaves you with The need to soak up life, like torn up pieces of bread in soup . Even better when you blessed enuff to enjoy it in the here and now !!

Bad luv

It’s been too long. I’ve been trapped by the power, my overwhelming feelings of hurt. When it always seems like I’m not wanted by tho’s , some I want, some I don’t . Everyone wants to be loved no doubt. But i know I can’t pay that cost of that type of love !

ole Scho0l

O o o o old school !!, I’ve been schooled !!I love you mum, thank you !!xoxox!! well versed you schooled me , them values highly priced. Some wonder how , if , couldn’t be real but they don’t know you. Your the realist teacher hehe it’s all love and like a mirror back at ya !! Love you always and forever@ mum your 1st born Christopher m Samuel !.

Change

You don’t even have clue what you have in front you. I don’t understand. But I no!, it’s not me . It’s love in reveres of yours , that’s not hard to see now changing change can’t be stopped in life’s cycling journey !! It’s all part of are place here. The cause doesn’t need to be focused on because it’s effect not worth your time !! There’s too much real beautiful things in this world, here and now ! And As we breath in!! in comfort that’s a good thing ! It’s just !!!. You don’t even a clue what you have in front of you !!….. LOL now you do ! And that’s life cycle and the cause of the effects ! Stay true to yourself !

All I’ve wanted

All I wanted to do was be there for you but love is a game to you. I need a change something fresh, clean new please. I’m sorry almighty for I know I’ve been a hypocrite! When all you ask of me, Is what I searched for but yet can’t show you the same. I’m not the same! When I treat your love so loosely I am. Forgive o farther I love you. I no the man I am and want to be . And this is not who I want to be !! Take me by the hand and lead me for I’m lost in the here and now!!.

The date!

August 2 2010 11:43am .The date! Release date that I’ve longed seems ever close
now ! I’m hoping to hear back from motabilty this week saying they
will pay for my wheelchair then I want to see how long it takes
from that point ! . It’s getting to me they way they long
everything out !! It’s all starting to take it’s toll on my sanity! I feel down sad angry flat ! .

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from my iPhone]

count down

Waiting is all I seem to be doing it’s been well over a
year since i’ve started the fight to get my car back now that I’ve
been given the go ahead it seems like they are taking even longer .
I haven’t chosen my car I just chose the wheelchair last week so
let’s see how long they take to say they will pay that one ! . I
feel that I should be exercising but I don’t feel motivated . We
are trying to move back to London so this is the next battle we’ve
filled out a application so we will see if the say yes we can join some
how I think they are going to say no so this will be the next
battle .!

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from my iPhone]

count down

Up real early with hope that the wheelchair rep brings
chairs I like and the two chairs I asked about !

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from my iPhone]

Feelings of power

Writers block but I feel well brewed!! like a tasty stock,
Its the heat from unconditional love that brews this stock ! I’m
strong so strong god you made me I’m ur son !!!

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from my iPhone]

The interview day

Today I woke with the first thing on my mind , job
interview . At that point I wasn’t feeling nervous . I put my blue
suite on and white shirt I wanted to put my tie on with it but
realized that I couldn’t fit into the shirt well my neck had gotten
fatter to the point that the bottton couldn’t do up the funnie
thing is I thought I had lost wight but it seems I’ve put I it on
some what !! Anyway as the time drew closer I began to get nervous
to the point I felt sick and started thinking of all the things
they may ask and how I would answer the qestions ! Well I feel it’s
a good thing as it helps me to focus on what could happen . I feel
the interview went okay !! I answered all the qestions they asked !
So now all I’m waiting for is to hear back if I was successful and
they said I should be hearing back by the end of next week .

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from my iPhone]

New page about to turn

Today I didn’t do much at all but read a bit and sit in the
sun in the garden . 2morrow is Monday up early for my work out at
the hospital . I’m getting butterflys thinking about my job
interview on Friday . I need to think about what I’m going to say
when they ask qestions !! Hospital tuesday ! Haven’t seen or been
to hospital in 2months it’s been the longist i’ve been away from an
not stayed in hospital in 2years !!! Kinda weird tho I feel abit
weaker and that’s never a good thing . My feet are still swolllowen
to the point of one pair of my many shoes can only be warn ! Errrmm
well maybe not just one lol … Alot seems to be going to happen
very soon !!

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from my iPhone]

The sun back ?

Today I was up early as my little cuz’s would be comming to
stay , but as I woke it was humid which was a good feeling and was
hoping it ment the weather would be good. which it turned out to be
. The sun was out and it was hot .

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from my iPhone]

B Back up !

The iPhone killed it the pass few days, leaving me near heart broken !! How can iPhone make a phone that u can’t store numbers on ur sim ur own SIM !! Plus all my notes just little note but something said to me copy my photos to my pc and send my bio to my email as a back up, with my poems feeeew !! Because the little sh**t broke down and wouldn’t turn on !!

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New pogo stick

I’m writing with my new iPhone pen it’s working a treat love it !!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Blog blog

Today started off with waiting for hospital transport and then them calling to say they are short of staff and will not be picking me up was annoeyed for a sec so I called my uncle to ask if he could drop me wich he could ! I was thinking of cancelling but thought if I do I will be angry at myself for not trying to find a way if it was possable to do .

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Workout blog

In bed lol . Today been a sort of productive day . Called
car company and they said there’s been a back log but I’ll hear
from them soon regarding my assessment in another two weeks . I’ve
been fighting my demonds and not letting it domenate me ! I dragged
myself to the standing frame 2wise lol not as much as I’d like I’m annoyed but I’m not going to beat myself up about that fact. I’m up early
tommorrow hospital workout so on that note I’m out .

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from my iPhone]

Missing love

Missing love, my heart feels it needs the love of a women .
Only one that wants to be in its chambers!. With one out come at heart!! Guilty .I love you in all !. Missing love, my heart feels it needs.

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from my iPhone]

Waiting game but I’m trying

Today I’ve started with pushing those thoughts that put me
off from being productive and just focus on workingout ! I used my
standing frame six times for the day and stood for 20 mins a time
so I’m pleased about that . I sent a email to C.A.B after to
hear back shortly about that . I’m feeling slightly annoeyd with
myself as per normal about not contacting my friends by email but
I’m going to do this today as it’s 1 am something now ! . I still
haven’t heard anything about my car as yet still that is on my mind
and has been threw out the day and on that note I’m out but will
blog 2morrow .

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from my iPhone]

Sight o sight

How am I mean’t to see, when my sight is being covered all
the time . How are are u really mean’t to see when there’s no light
!?

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from my iPhone]

Who’s waiting for this man!!

Who’s waiting for this man !. This man Who’s behind four
falls !. Who’s waiting for this man !. This man who’s eyes are the
only windows for him !. Who’s waiting for this man !. This man
who’s so weak in body needs help to pull his pants down and up to
piss or shit !. Who’s waiting for this man !. This man who’s dyeing
inside and out !. Who’s waiting for this man !.

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from my iPhone]

Folk in my road

It’s been awhile as per normal since I’ve blogged guess I
see a patten lol but one thing I’m not going to beat myself up
about not blogging . Since then anyhow things are a bit more clear
for me as how to go about getting the funds and the steps needed
before hand ! I applied for a few courses at a few colleges. I’ve
been turned down for one as it was full waiting hear back form the
others but tomorrow I’m going in the see what’s happening and going
to apply to a few other collages to see what they have and if there
are any spaces ! I didn’t get the job I feel disapointed but after
emailing the the lady who interviewed me and asked her what she
thought of if and if she could give me any pointers what I could do
diffrent ! I felt as tho I did well as she felt there was a strong
field this time and it was because of the current times why I never
got the job as the people had more experience. i get that but I
thought we would be trained and you never needed any experience?
thinking about it as I’m typing this I’m getting annoyed at that
fact and the fact I know I want to chase her up about that but know
I’m not going to !! . I know why that is I don’t want friction or
like it !! Guess that links in with that whole thing of me wanting
to be liked by most people at any cost !! I dislike the fact I have that feeling that tries to govern over me at times. well I can I will start taking steps to
Challenge this !!

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iBlogger
from my iPhone]

The little things count!

I’m in bed it’s been a while once more since I’ve writen
anything it feels like I don’t have anything to say and I haven’t
writen any poems in a good few weeks I’ve been writing a my bio tho
it seems to be coming on but very slow I only wish I had some one
to write for me I feel weaker I haven’t been motatvated to do
anything I haven’t prayed in a while I will tonight and thank god
for blessing me and on that note I’m out , tho I feel like I should
be writing much more about what’s been happening with my car and
with how I’ve been feeling and my new newthew Joshua the little
cutie I tell you one thing he gets big kiss every morining from me
even if I feel down hearing him cry in the morining or knowing he’s
down and awake changes that. he smells like lemons with his fat
cheeks and little wiggling tung when he crys makes me smile
!

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from my iPhone]

B Here U Will See Me !‏

Today I never done much but read on the Internet about a
wheelchairs as I’m looking for a new one I know which one I want,
just need to come up with the sum of £5000!. Found one charity that
will donate £1200 towards it, I’m thinking of handing in my chair as
part of the payment but thinking about it, it will only come upto
£2000 just .mmmm what to do !!?!? Guess I’ll have to ask my physiotherapist if
there’s anything that could be done !! Anyhow I thought i have posted a
photo of how I looked yestaday for my interview !!

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from my iPhone]

Little entry

In bed and iphone in hand ready for blog time. It’s Sunday
5 july I’m up early hospital tomorrow for my work out . Today been
a frustrating day I’ve not worked out since my last hospital
workout and I’m feeling annoyed !!

B Here U Will See Me !‏

Here you see me. it’s not history. it’s now these fingers
stay bent, look in my eyes, the fire’s hot, im not playing ,ready to
bust like my freshly filled hot water bottle, just ran over in this mid
day summers afternoon. The love was gone but now it’s back round,
like round two still fresh and o so up for the get down !! Can you
see me feeling god’s gift to me like the 1st ever feelings of sadness knowing that
my mum was hurting!! alive in life is how I feel now right now
blessed that the path isn’t so bad right now !! Gods love !! Mums
love !! Sis love !! Bros love !! Fams love !! My dogs love !! One
love amen .

B I’m feeling happyer at da mo‏

I’m feeling happy thinking maybe I could get a car. Things have been hard since I’ve lost my car my fight to live and face the real has been sidestepped!, then the love of my mum lifting me up and holding me while sidestepping me back into reality! And that kept me moving and to in bark on a journey and inrol again on a counselling course. In the 3d year , i met my now ex partner and dropped out very soon afterwards. I was searching for happiness within myself a just be happy in life . now Iooking back I’m much happyer now and know myself loads more I’ve matured and have strong values that I stick to with ease and that feels good even if at times it’s not easy for others to take or see or like and that goes for myself also!! Now I know it’s just the way of the world ! We can’t be loved liked by all and life is never going to be happy and easy all the time and YES I can cope Im way strong enough.

B Laying DWN 4 Abit

B Laying DWN 4 Abit

B A Rucksack

Everyday everynight feels like stones on my back, in this rucksack of baggage of life I’ve been dealt!! A sack that only seems to get fuller by the day , pushing me to my limits!! This rucksack of mine .

B Still Be A Child

Here I be gods child, my mothers son !! Yes life has been harsh to me ! Tho every corner seems new! holding tight well gripped I’m not slipping by choice ! Trust is not where it’s at tho my faith is strong a vaules well rooted ! I stand firm here I be gods child mothers son !!.

B The Truth

I’ve been buyin so many things I don’t really need I know it’s because it makes me feel good about myself for a short time. A another way of copeing with the fact I’m alot weaker then I want to be and also the fact that I need to be exsizing so it only takes my mind off the turth !!

B Bed Legs

The bed legs ,led like and swollen, weak ! Yea these fuchking Arms heavy so fast to tier ! Too they Fight me all way, pulling my feed away like spikeful helpers in the wrong job !

B Back up !

Back back up against the wall why do I feel this heavy in mind body an soul the weakness sadness overwhelms me ! I’m all fighteded out and I’m saying this is the end of the fight In me , i feel ready, been ready and waiting for some time now! Thats all it was, I never really looked but now I’m ready for the part , I look it !! Where do I turn please hear me almighty help my mother sister brother and me for we need you now I need you, send angels to help please o lord trapped and down well laybered soul battered and drawn in , strenghtless we four need you in ways only you know how to help please farther help us as I’m writing this I feel anger in me please >>>>>>>>>>> help help help help help help help help help………………

Picture of the park

Queens square !!! On a hot summers day !! 2009 July 1

Fired up after hospital

Feeling fired up!. Just spent my norm three day stay in hospital . Met some interesting new cool people . I’m now thinking of my next steps ! Soon I’ll be called for my assimment to see what type of adaptions I would need !! Feel nervus about it feels kinder like maybe they will be looking for reasons to say why I can’t drive !! but I’m trying not to focus on a negative out come or think to much about it ! as I’m typing this I’m finding it hard to hear myself ( how I really feel ) .I’ve said to myself after a few talks with my new counsellor . I want and need to hear myself and value myself well value myself is at the core but in order to do so I need to hear myself !!

Its been sometime !

A! What can I say other than I’ve not been blogging as much as ive could have been a few things have been going on for me it’s been a hard time !. I’ve felt like giving up after receiving the news I would never want to hear ! I was told by motabilty which is a charity, the only company/organsation that helps people with disabilitys to get a car/van ect adapted if need and insures them. anyhow few years ago when I had my last car and drove I had a few claims and wrote off one car and drove without a full driver beside me when I had no license and that was over four years ago when I was not mature and never realized the impact it would have on my life, if I never had a car! anyhow they took the car back at the end of the contract and said they wasn’t willing to take me back on the scheme at that present time which I appealed but was turned down which I feel was right I was in shock at the fact my freedom was taken from me in a second !! I tried to get the adaptions taken out of the car which was mine by law but the car was taken and sold before I had a chance so there alone was a next problem because they cost over £6000 and would need them to drive any car If I was to get one ! Passing my test had no merit to them or the fact I was pleading with them this was my freedom ! Anyhow I’ve applied and asked if I could be reinstated and truned down once more after a letter pleading ! After four years you would have thought a second chance would be granted even people who drink and drive people who have many crashs drive with no license get a next chance and I feels like being disabled there is no one more chances or other options .I can’t just drive or afford any car, so there for they have so much power it’s unreal !

Title here <<<<<

1:08am 1/05/09 back in the most cozy place for me to write !0o! Bed that is and about to get some zzzz’zzz but first a little sum’z of the day which has come to pass and now which has unfolded into a new day !. Woke up late feeling real tired ! This reminds me of how I feel when I’m getting weaker . This has been happening for the pass few days and dosent seem to be passing! then from that point of me dragging myself up the first thing on my mind is tea LOL followed by a anoyed feeling that I’m going to get weaker if I don’t work out but what do I do but head stright to my pc ! Kmt

Late night blog

12:14 am 23 :4:2009 laying in bed thinking how easy I’m anoyed by others that I know don’t care much for me I guess it’s that thing in me wanting to be loved by all speicaly the ones u want to care but they don’t really care . I know it’s a work now play later time for me but I feel so dazed and side tracked !.

It’s focus mode time !!!!

No news

They say no news is good news hmm not sure guess that person who said that crap has never had to wait for something important ! Or really never cared much to come off with that .

Well they may be right because the news I longed for turned into the news of my night meres !!

Well I feel like there’s a storm brewing in me lol quiet storm !!!

K.1.r.S Co0kie

Me as me

Little note to myself

It’s been close to a month since I’ve posted any of my poems partly is due to not having time but mostly it’s down to lazyness ! I’m not happy about this that’s why I’m posting this blog in aid to ease my mind !! Lol

Silly little ***? lol

Silly little game player , so lost and you don’t even know it ! You live for the bellyfull which is always hungry and has never mantained contentness !! Silly little game player , so lost and you don’t even know it !!!

Back on the stand

Trying to stand, when’s it’s hard and these legs are on a tip where they wanna bring me down !! freshly gripped kicks I’m moving no-were !!! Here I’ll stand !

So Far

So near, so close we are right now , are growing friendship seems to me ! One of openness and trueness. we shear thos values, The 1s seemed to frond on, i  theses days !. You stand strong and well rooted. Now I know I can lean on you and trust you with my eyes closed with no worry of short site clouding me.. so near so close we right now !!.

Picking up the daisys

Silly me I know what’s needed but still seem to fall !! And start picking up daisys like a child!!. so silly but in who’s eyes ? These same eyes do the same at times. So only to as well find it’s natural and at the best, hard so hard not to fall !but Yet the feeling cued up to know why and know it’s not silly, it’s only natural but not healthy, it can’t be lifted with ease by the strongest of souls, it’s life !

Friends

 Friends I need, some in need, but they are there when your in need!. At times it’s easy to not to care and feel laybered by the duties of friendship. Friends I need !. True friends indeed !!… Well worth it for a true friend !

sweet memories

Untitled this is but memories of days of steps in strength as each foot hit this earth sweet thoughts of adventure swirling in abundance around leaving a stance of a life new view . Feeling united but untitled this is but memory’s of days of steps in strength . One of a kind united in each new foot step hits this earth . Young so young but as old as time !!